in the meantime

Well since I can't sleep, I thought I would blog a little to get some stuff off my mind.

My depression has been creeping back over the past few days. I guess it seems like everyone has their place here, and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore. Now that I'm living off campus, it's kind of disconnecting. I can't really just see people whenever I want to and vice versa. It just seems like I get forgotten sometimes, and I'm left to just figure out things on my own. I end up going a lot of places alone because there's no one else around or they've made their own plans. I'm not really blaming this on anyone or anything. I know things just happen. I guess it's just something I have to deal with or get over. I've been trying to keep myself busy, but it's hard not to feel lonely sometimes. I hate having to call people all the time and seeing what they're up to because it makes me feel like an inconvenience or needy. It's hard to talk about this to people because they don't really know how I feel. It's easy to be empathetic when it's not you going though it. So, I kind of bottle it up a lot.

Coming back to Southern hasn't been easy for me. Mostly because of the things that went on here last year. I hated this place for what I went through. Now, I'm just afraid that history is going to repeat itself. I wanted to not be here so bad this year. I guess, I still don't know what my purpose is for being here. I don't know why God sent me back here, especially now that I'm feeling this way. I'm trying to keep my chin up, but I'm really failing.

"For our sake Christ lived a life of sorrow and privation. He was pure and holy, yet on the Him was laid the iniquity of us all...With a touch of His hand He healed the sick; yet He suffered grievous bodily pain. He cast out demons with a word, and delivered those bound by Satan's temptations; yet temptations such as have never beset anyone assailed Him. He raised the dead by His power; yet He suffered the agony of the most terrible death.

All this Christ suffered for us. What are we giving to Him in return? He, the majesty of heaven, submitted patiently to scorn and insult...Should we look upon any sacrifice as too great?"

--EGW, Signs of the Times, Jan. 21 1897