in the meantime

Today we talked about "Transitions" in class. Well, I hate transitions. I just want to automatically go from novice to expert without all the steps in between. But, I guess all the growing comes from the in between.

Jesus, help me to follow you through.

I never wanted to be one of those girls who's afraid of doing things alone. Over the past few weeks I've realized many things about life. There are times when no one is around. You are left with you and that's it. Friends are off doing other things and family is too far away. Solitude is my only companion.

Fear #1- Sitting Alone:
Now, since last year I've gotten used to going to church by myself. Sabbath was kind of the day everyone kind of went their own ways. So, I learned to get over the fear of sitting alone. At first I would walk into church and frantically look for a familiar face. Now, I walk in and just look for a spot for one.

Fear #2- Eating Out Alone:
Panera. That was going to be the place where I would conquer this fear. Last April, I decided that I go and eat by myself. Not only that, but I wouldn't bring anything with me. No safety book to pretend I'm reading while waiting for my food. No. I would just sit, confidently, until I got my food. Then eat.

Fear #3- Living Alone:
I must say, the first night in my apartment was one of the scariest moments in my life haha. I put a chair under the door. I could hear every noise that was made that night. My body was on high alert. I went over escape plans in my head, just in case something were to happen. Well, I can say now that I sleep more sound at night.

Fear #4: Traveling Alone:
This is my fifth year at Southern. Out of my years here I've never gone downtown by myself (minus driving to the hospitals). Today, I was sitting on my balcony doing devotions. I saw this family packing up the car. It looked like they were off to go somewhere fun. I looked up at the sky and thought to myself, "Jackie, go do something fun." So, with Shortie as my guide (my GPS) I took a trip. Here are the results:


[That's the liberated me on the walking bridge downtown]

Fear #5- Ending up alone:
I am no different than so many single girls out there. The only thing is I don't let fear stop me. It may slow me down sometimes, but fear can debilitate you if you let it.

So, now I'm practicing my Spanish for a half an hour everyday, exercising more, taking advantage of the beautiful Tennessee weather, trying new toppings on my pizza and living my life. Just me and Jesus :)

"But instead of destroying the world, God sent His Son to save it. At the very moment when Satan seemed about to win, the Son of God came with proof of divine love and grace. When exactly the right time came, God poured out a flood of healing grace that will never stop flowing until the plan of salvation is complete. Jesus came to throw out the demons that control us, to lift us up from the dust, to reshape our character into His image, to make us beautiful with His own glory."--Messiah, p26.




Oh, how much God loves us.

Before the Throne of God Above Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea.
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me.
My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart.
I know that while in Heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

Well since I can't sleep, I thought I would blog a little to get some stuff off my mind.

My depression has been creeping back over the past few days. I guess it seems like everyone has their place here, and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore. Now that I'm living off campus, it's kind of disconnecting. I can't really just see people whenever I want to and vice versa. It just seems like I get forgotten sometimes, and I'm left to just figure out things on my own. I end up going a lot of places alone because there's no one else around or they've made their own plans. I'm not really blaming this on anyone or anything. I know things just happen. I guess it's just something I have to deal with or get over. I've been trying to keep myself busy, but it's hard not to feel lonely sometimes. I hate having to call people all the time and seeing what they're up to because it makes me feel like an inconvenience or needy. It's hard to talk about this to people because they don't really know how I feel. It's easy to be empathetic when it's not you going though it. So, I kind of bottle it up a lot.

Coming back to Southern hasn't been easy for me. Mostly because of the things that went on here last year. I hated this place for what I went through. Now, I'm just afraid that history is going to repeat itself. I wanted to not be here so bad this year. I guess, I still don't know what my purpose is for being here. I don't know why God sent me back here, especially now that I'm feeling this way. I'm trying to keep my chin up, but I'm really failing.

"For our sake Christ lived a life of sorrow and privation. He was pure and holy, yet on the Him was laid the iniquity of us all...With a touch of His hand He healed the sick; yet He suffered grievous bodily pain. He cast out demons with a word, and delivered those bound by Satan's temptations; yet temptations such as have never beset anyone assailed Him. He raised the dead by His power; yet He suffered the agony of the most terrible death.

All this Christ suffered for us. What are we giving to Him in return? He, the majesty of heaven, submitted patiently to scorn and insult...Should we look upon any sacrifice as too great?"

--EGW, Signs of the Times, Jan. 21 1897