in the meantime

God has other plans for us than we have for ourselves. Most people that I've seen or talked to this summer know that I'm not leaving as an SM this next year. It's funny how God works sometimes. My heart was set on leaving next year and honestly it was set on leaving because of my own reasons.

Last year I probably had the worst moments of my life. I thought about so many ways I could escape how I was feeling. My depression consumed me and my thoughts constantly. I thought that maybe if I could physically leave then so would my depression. Of course deciding to be a missionary was a decision most people supported so I felt like I was doing a good thing. Even though I didn't really pray that much about it, I rationalized that missionary work is for God therefore God would be ok with it.

Once school ended in May, I decided to really pray about things because I was feeling a lot of turmoil in my heart. I asked God to give me a sign and I received my answer, I wasn't supposed to go. I tried to fight it in my mind considering that I made this huge committment in front of Southern to go. But, all of that melted away when I thought about the fact that God has the best in mind for me.

You see, many times we often want to live OUR lives the way WE want to. I often think that I have possession over my life, which is not the case at all. I don't want give God a say in my plans. But once we surrender to God, He sends us to the place that we can glorify His name the most. So, though a huge part of me doesn't want to go back to Southern, I know God has things in store for me that I don't see right now.